Don't Move That Throw Pillow, It's Covering A Kool-Aid Stain

Here's a few caveats before you enter my house:

1.  There is a high probability that there will be bits of food on the kitchen floor.  The probability is also high that said bits of food have been there for several days, because I overlooked them when I was sweeping, or I overlooked sweeping all together.

2.  If you need a hair tie, look in the nearest corner.  That's usually where they end up.

3.  The stain on my shirt came from my kid.  No it didn't.  It came from me.  Because, a) I'm just too tired to change my shirt when I get something on it, after all, who's here to see me? and, b) I can always blame stains on a kid.  They'll never tell otherwise.

4.  There will be random magnets stuck on lamps, the fire place, and the bathroom sink.  The kids were experimenting and never went back to clean up their findings.

5.  Don't move that throw pillow on the couch.  It's covering a kool-aid stain.

6.  Please complement me on my clean counters.  I work VERY HARD to keep them free of Barbie boots, scribbled sticky notes, grocery fliers, pennies, a half eaten apple, crumbs, artwork, crayons, dirty plates, keys and crumpled streamers.  Kitchen counters are the vortex of the home, everything ends up on them.

7.  I am not responsible for what you may or may not find if you open the doors to the kids' rooms.  Including a cup of colored water with markers stuck point-side-down in it, a rock collection, and a billion dirty clothes.  Oh wait.  I am responsible for those.

8.  If there are bits of flotsam on the carpet, it's not because the carpet hasn't been vacuumed.  It's because the carpet was vacuumed by a 5 year old.

9.  If it's too high for the kids to reach, it's too high to dust.

10.  If a room is clean, just wait for 10 minutes.